God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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