i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
