my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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