and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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