So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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