i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
