I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
