Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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