my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
