Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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