How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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