Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
