There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
