Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
