I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
