the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
