Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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