Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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