6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
