I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
