I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
