my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
