Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
