I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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