Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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