Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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