I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize