Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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