Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
