Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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