their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
