He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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