The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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