Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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