no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
