Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
