yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
