his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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