im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
