god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
