She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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