how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
