So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
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