i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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