I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
