your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
