haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
