We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
