ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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