'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
