made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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