I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
