I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize