He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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