I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
