my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
