It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
