okay pat passed out under dana's car
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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