I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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