my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i believe in u and ur pee
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
