dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
