his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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