I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
